That which haunts me....

There is a story that has been pounding at my heart for a week now. It has changed and developed in that time so maybe it is right that I haven't written it yet. It will continue to change cause life itself is ever changing. My last blog explained that I sometimes speak to freely and I really wish I had never found out how BIG of a mistake I made on Thanksgiving. This account of course will be tainted with my view, mainly because I am writing it. But I hope to be somewhat impartial!

This also is an extension of Stop Talking...

The day after Thanksgiving I wrote to the girl (who's feelings I had hurt) to apologize - I try not to be too heartless. She responded by telling me I had nothing to worry about. Oh how I wish I hadn't listened. I was even invited to join her and my other friend on Sat night. A meager two days later. Maybe I would have been wise to do so. I could have possibly read truth in her eyes if not her words. But I was unable to make it dancing. Then was invited to a movie the next day. Does it sound to you as if they hated me? Me neither!! How ever as the week progressed seemingly normal, I had no clue what was going on. Sat a week after Thanksgiving was our work Christmas Party and even though I had been sick and sleeping all day I made an effort to go. I had invited a random friend to accompany me, and was awed by how awkward it was but put it out of my head. After sleeping all sun I was on facebook (FYI if you ever do anything you don't want someone else to know about don't use facebook!!) I noticed pictures of all my friends at an event I wasn't invited to. Feeling slightly hurt I asked a couple different people why I wasn't invited - their reply surprised me! The original girl (whom I was talking directly too) wrote a simple email saying that she was still hurt. I was kind of flustered that she had lied to me before but that wasn't the biggest injury. The girl whom I had considered one of my best friends for the past 7 or 8 months, wrote me a page long email, listing my many wrongdoings. Things that I have worked through, prayed over, cried over and struggled with through out the past year. And accusing me of thinking and feeling things that I did not think or feel. Also claiming that I have hurt lots of people. All of the things she said of me, made me come to one conclusion, She doesn't know me at all. I had inklings of this through out the friendship (that she didn't understand the heart of what I was saying), oh how I wished I had gotten out sooner. However this is not the biggest injury. While the words were hurtful and painful - had they been a friend coming to lovingly confront me and correct my behavior that would have been bearable. However they came as an attack and on the heels of the great wound. I had found out that this "friend" of mine had written to everyone listed in our bible study...of all of these hurts, and struggles that I have wrestled with. Listing by name, people that I had said things (mostly misquotes) about. Mind you these are times when I have been hurt and venting, or struggling with trying to understand how to forgive people. So they are not the nicest of things, however they were said to one I considered my best friend in confidence in hope of talking stuff out to come to grips with life, and forgiveness and learning to love God better. But she said these things to my CORE group of friends here. This took me awhile to get over - I allowed myself a night to curse and accuse (just to myself) her name and our friendship, and wisely (per God's strength) have not written (or at least sent) a response to her or our other friends. Which I am not sure if I have anymore honestly. I did however go to each person on her "list" of people I had hurt and have left the group because of me, to make sure that we were in right standing. Making a point not to mention who was saying such things. In this process I wrote a comment on a Facebook wall (yeah you caught it didn't you facebook lets everything be known!) to let a friend of mine know in case someone told her I didn't like her that it wasn't true! Just covering my basis. This is where things turn kinda funny (yeah I needed laughter too). This woman wrote a nasty note (and cc'd a good friend of mine that works at our church) to me about how I shouldn't be posting "passive-aggressive"comments and to "come to her directly" ironically! And then she threaten to have this church staff member and herself sit down and talk about it with me. I heartily agreed and she backed out immediately! However I had already called the staff member and set an appointment! Two of my friends from the bible study are willing to hear my side of the story. Another told me basically he thinks they are right but would still be my friend (familiar phrase comes to mind "with friends like these....". Yet another hasn't said anything to me. Including the two I have had - what? altercations with - that is my whole small group. So some great things have come out of this - I can finally watch "Grey's Anatomy" on the night it airs, Most "Ladies nights" in Denver are on Thurs nights, My friends go to a Hip Hop dance class on thurs. All of these things I have been putting off cause of bible study the options are endless - not to mention it would be nice to have an extra night to do homework. But also - God has really been SO faithful, during this time. Just the gentle prodding that these things that are being said about me are not true! And definitely don't define who I am. I not as injured as I thought I should be, although it still hurts! I am mostly relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells (which I am obviously not good at!) and out of some potentially worse situations. I am in a position where my friends are spread wider than they have been in the past which means that I still have friends!! There are going to be a couple of situations that will be interesting but life goes in ebbs and flows! God is still good and on the throne and I can see that!