The Unpublished Christmas Letter.....

Or rather the unsent Christmas Letter (also quite late LOL) Dear Friends, As another year comes to a close and another wonderful Christmas comes about I think on the miracle of Christ's sacrifice. Not only His death but also the great sacrifice of giving up Heaven's Throne to save us!! How amazing is that!?! As my second year in CO comes to a close that is about the only good news that I have. I have spent over a year in a drama ridden life group. Thankfully this Feb I started branching out, I finally just the past couple of weeks have felt God's release from the group. This is a blessing because the final dramatic act was a betrayal of my confidence by someone I considered a close friend. There are many lessons I have learned from this. The biggest being, how amazing our God is, that Jesus could turn from this most bitter of pain to totally forgive us. I have been praying for the strength to forgive and true to God's nature - I have been given a chance to exercise that forgiveness! Even more so than the situation I was praying about. God's sense of humor through and through!! I also was able, through this situation, to have great conversations with original group members that strengthened those relationships. And also a chance to build new relationships, that seem a bit more spiritually mature, I have been longing for that!! I also for the first time this year, got laid off. In the two months that I didn't have a job - I was so thoroughly blessed by God. With tax return and financial aid from school I was able to pay ALL of my bills for the 2 months I was without a job. I was also able to enjoy a lot of time with friends, and build relationships with the high schoolers that I have been working with for two years. I also got to experience some of the wonders of CO - Elich Gardens (the local 6 flags) and Water World!! It also got me OUT of a very volatile work environment. I am almost at 2 years of working Tech for the church - doing the words for the songs and sermons for the weekend services at least once (sometimes more) a month. Let me tell you with 6 services and a dress rehearsal it takes up a WHOLE weekend!! But it is usually the joy of my month!! I love being there and being a part of what God is doing and how He is moving. If you ever want hear the messages from the church go to www.flatironschurch.com/messages they also have a pretty good blog! I also work with a wonderful group of Sophomore girls, that are such a blessing to me. This past year 2 of the wonderful women that were leading with me had to move out of state (one to TN for school, the other lost her job and moved home to TX). But the more I have committed to the girls the more they come around (and once or twice we have even been able to do something outside of our normal meeting time). I am also working on building relationships through those two groups as well!! God has blessed me so much while I serve, as only He can. That leaves me to explain work - answering phones at a trucking company (Supreme Transport) www.supremeautotransportinc.com SO I talk to truckers all day. So much fun!! And I might flirt a little but only if they start it! LOL. I am also going to school in my "spare" time. I am working towards an AA in Networking Systems Administration - they promised me that this was a degree where I could still interact with people (so important for me!!) So that is my life - I ask that you keep me in your prayers - simply that I find more ways to follow God!!

I am good at....

Getting through Security at the airport!!! Well we all need something to be good at right?

Disaster Avoided!!!

So yesterday was my 2nd thurs not at bible study (I promise I will stop counting them soon), it was also the Annual Christmas Party - obviously I didn't go! trying to respect wishes of "distance" and honestly not wanting to be around the hostess... didn't show. I was fine with it until yesterday, then I was PISSED (yes I can still go 0 to Pissed in 5.6 seconds). I was just so frustrated. I went on to the Facebook event and wanted to write nasty stuff on the wall about the hostess - i.e. "she's fun to hang out with but don't tell her anything personal" or "sorry can't make it to the party the knife in my back is starting to fester" or just a flat out "I hate her!!!" Now normally I am nice and peaceful but I am realizing over and over how much this situation SUCKS!!! I have to give up hanging out with some really cool people because miss "can't confront anyone" is having issues. It was so hard but I managed to restrain myself! I figured all of my heart work up until now can be totally destroyed with one little comment on a message board - wow!! And that selfish part of me almost convinced the other part of me (the God working/living in me part) that it was worth it. And I step back and think....... About what an AMAZING God we serve. And how hard life must have been for Jesus! Talk about betrayal - gosh to death! He had to watch as His closest friends just left Him for dead with the soldiers. And He heard Peter say to the servant girl (no one important mind you) that he had no clue who Jesus was! And the verse that says Jesus struggled with every temptation known to man takes on new meaning and gives me strength to carry on (although it does not make it any easier) So I got dressed up in my friends beautiful dress(thanks Jo), did my hair all beautiful, put on some fun heels - and went to a different party! And had a blast. Made new friends and laughed, opened white elephant gifts, and enjoyed myself. And I am starting to think.........There is life after bible study!

That which haunts me....

There is a story that has been pounding at my heart for a week now. It has changed and developed in that time so maybe it is right that I haven't written it yet. It will continue to change cause life itself is ever changing. My last blog explained that I sometimes speak to freely and I really wish I had never found out how BIG of a mistake I made on Thanksgiving. This account of course will be tainted with my view, mainly because I am writing it. But I hope to be somewhat impartial!

This also is an extension of Stop Talking...

The day after Thanksgiving I wrote to the girl (who's feelings I had hurt) to apologize - I try not to be too heartless. She responded by telling me I had nothing to worry about. Oh how I wish I hadn't listened. I was even invited to join her and my other friend on Sat night. A meager two days later. Maybe I would have been wise to do so. I could have possibly read truth in her eyes if not her words. But I was unable to make it dancing. Then was invited to a movie the next day. Does it sound to you as if they hated me? Me neither!! How ever as the week progressed seemingly normal, I had no clue what was going on. Sat a week after Thanksgiving was our work Christmas Party and even though I had been sick and sleeping all day I made an effort to go. I had invited a random friend to accompany me, and was awed by how awkward it was but put it out of my head. After sleeping all sun I was on facebook (FYI if you ever do anything you don't want someone else to know about don't use facebook!!) I noticed pictures of all my friends at an event I wasn't invited to. Feeling slightly hurt I asked a couple different people why I wasn't invited - their reply surprised me! The original girl (whom I was talking directly too) wrote a simple email saying that she was still hurt. I was kind of flustered that she had lied to me before but that wasn't the biggest injury. The girl whom I had considered one of my best friends for the past 7 or 8 months, wrote me a page long email, listing my many wrongdoings. Things that I have worked through, prayed over, cried over and struggled with through out the past year. And accusing me of thinking and feeling things that I did not think or feel. Also claiming that I have hurt lots of people. All of the things she said of me, made me come to one conclusion, She doesn't know me at all. I had inklings of this through out the friendship (that she didn't understand the heart of what I was saying), oh how I wished I had gotten out sooner. However this is not the biggest injury. While the words were hurtful and painful - had they been a friend coming to lovingly confront me and correct my behavior that would have been bearable. However they came as an attack and on the heels of the great wound. I had found out that this "friend" of mine had written to everyone listed in our bible study...of all of these hurts, and struggles that I have wrestled with. Listing by name, people that I had said things (mostly misquotes) about. Mind you these are times when I have been hurt and venting, or struggling with trying to understand how to forgive people. So they are not the nicest of things, however they were said to one I considered my best friend in confidence in hope of talking stuff out to come to grips with life, and forgiveness and learning to love God better. But she said these things to my CORE group of friends here. This took me awhile to get over - I allowed myself a night to curse and accuse (just to myself) her name and our friendship, and wisely (per God's strength) have not written (or at least sent) a response to her or our other friends. Which I am not sure if I have anymore honestly. I did however go to each person on her "list" of people I had hurt and have left the group because of me, to make sure that we were in right standing. Making a point not to mention who was saying such things. In this process I wrote a comment on a Facebook wall (yeah you caught it didn't you facebook lets everything be known!) to let a friend of mine know in case someone told her I didn't like her that it wasn't true! Just covering my basis. This is where things turn kinda funny (yeah I needed laughter too). This woman wrote a nasty note (and cc'd a good friend of mine that works at our church) to me about how I shouldn't be posting "passive-aggressive"comments and to "come to her directly" ironically! And then she threaten to have this church staff member and herself sit down and talk about it with me. I heartily agreed and she backed out immediately! However I had already called the staff member and set an appointment! Two of my friends from the bible study are willing to hear my side of the story. Another told me basically he thinks they are right but would still be my friend (familiar phrase comes to mind "with friends like these....". Yet another hasn't said anything to me. Including the two I have had - what? altercations with - that is my whole small group. So some great things have come out of this - I can finally watch "Grey's Anatomy" on the night it airs, Most "Ladies nights" in Denver are on Thurs nights, My friends go to a Hip Hop dance class on thurs. All of these things I have been putting off cause of bible study the options are endless - not to mention it would be nice to have an extra night to do homework. But also - God has really been SO faithful, during this time. Just the gentle prodding that these things that are being said about me are not true! And definitely don't define who I am. I not as injured as I thought I should be, although it still hurts! I am mostly relieved that I don't have to walk on egg shells (which I am obviously not good at!) and out of some potentially worse situations. I am in a position where my friends are spread wider than they have been in the past which means that I still have friends!! There are going to be a couple of situations that will be interesting but life goes in ebbs and flows! God is still good and on the throne and I can see that!