The Confession

My despair came because of loneliness. When I first got to CO I joined a small group. Unfortunately those not strong in the faith pulled more on those strong than the other way around. God was great at giving me wisdom and I was doing well in the group however, a year ago they ended up sacrificing me in the middle and the whole group fell apart. Someone was upset at something I had said and instead of biblically coming to me and discussing it they emailed everyone in the group except me. Through that process all but one other person basically turned on me while still confessing to be my friend. I felt so alone but was still ok. Then I started dating a guy, a non christian, thankfully he lives in FL so all we did was talk, text and imagine. I know without a doubt that if he lived in CO or closer so it wasn't so expensive then I would no longer be a virgin. And in fact for the first couple months of our relationship that was my goal. I have never before in my life tried so hard to go against the will of God, yet here I was seeking after the exact opposite.I was SO alone and everyone around me was either non christian or what they had done in their past was so much worse that they felt they couldn't tell me what I was doing was wrong. It was so weird because I knew God was watching out for me. I found myself asking others to pray for me because I didn't have the strength myself to do it. In fact I couldn't pray at all. But I kept going to the awesome (although huge) church that I attend.Luckily we had an issue in our relationship and he got mad at something I had said. Instead of talking with me he sulked, this was such a huge reminder of what had just happened with my small group that it made me MAD. And a short time after that God provided me with the strength to break up with him. Unfortunately it is still along road I don't feel like I am moving closer to God but I believe someday I will, all I know is that so far I have stopped moving away.

What was Missing....

So I have had a couple of great nights recently - which is good because, well honestly CO has been very hard for me. But I come out of these nights of laughter (one that even brought on my asthma cough - now you know THAT is good!!). But I say good night get into my car and burst into tears. The first couple times this happened I couldn't figure out why, but I think I get it. It makes me miss camp. Not just the laughter but the very fact that the people I was laughing with cared enough about me to be there when I was crying. I can't find that here. I want laughter and tears together in one relationship. And I do have that in some and I don't want anyone to think that their friendship isn't important to me. But I have it in ones in different groups. I want it in a group, I want community - I long for it, hope for it (and am getting back to the point where I hope enough to pray for it.) I miss the group feel. I don't discount friends that I have but it is SO different. I love my friends, and I am FINALLY starting to get some good ones, but I long for a group. Why is that? why can't I be satisfied with what I have? I am hoping that the realization of why will help me come to terms with why not.

It also makes me feel fake. For awhile I was telling everyone when I wasn't doing good; however if you are always not doing good you feel more like a burden than a friend. Also it is hard to explain why you aren't doing good but still can smile and laugh and have fun. people don't understand that one!! But it is life it is how it goes, I am tired of not being ok, but not sure of how to get to ok. So I don't, but I have stopped mentioning it and I am not sure if it is because I am mostly ok, or I just got tired of explaining why I am not ok. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams not coming true, I am tired of being in pain all the time, I am tired of having to stop eating what I like, and doing things I find as fun. And I am tired of giving up those unimportant things hoping they will lead to me getting the important things and not getting those either. In other words I am ready to say "check please" and be done - whatever that looks like.

Christmas 09

Merry Christmas!!!!!

I would like to start with the bad news because I like ending on a good note.

The worst - I had to file for bankruptcy :( not my crowing moment in life but a necessary evil sometimes. This came after much prayer and advice from the knowledgeable. This gets rid of the debt that accumulated when I hurt my neck - so aside from the fact that my health hasn't bounced back completely at least financially I am moving on :)

Now to the good stuff.

I have tried to keep busy and going this year!!

I gained another niece in February of this year Cadence - now my brother, Yuri, and his beautiful wife, Jennifer, have 7 kids. They live in Oregon City OR so very hard away from me and I miss them terribly. I was blessed to see them in April - the whole family gathered to watch Emma's dance competition. It was so wonderful to have the whole family together and to enjoy the hospitality of my brother's family.

In May my folks and I took our annual pilgrimage to Disneyland!! It was a fabulous trip - we took our time and relaxed. We got a hotel right across from the gate and walked in everyday :) we didn't ride all of the rides or eat at any really fancy restaurants but we took our time and enjoyed the company of one another!! We did take care of all of our favorites - Indiana Jones (I even got to drive), Soarin', and of course California Screamin'. We opened our lost bottle of Olivia - while celebrating both of my parents birthdays!!

At the end of May I made an insane trip out to California to pick up my new car! Her name is Bella Zita (it means Beautiful Little Hope). I drove 18 hrs out and 19 hrs back on the three day weekend, came home with my beautiful gift from family friends a 1994 Toyota Camry - should get me through the next 5 years or so!!

In June my friend Samantha and I were both ready to get out of town for a bit so we took a road trip - To South Dakota. That is right we took a trip to see the presidents. Not only did I get to check off another state in my goal to see all 50 but I got to view Mt Rushmore. What an amazing sight!!! Such an incredible place to be!! It was really amazing to see - we also got to check out Bear Country USA where bears (and other really cool wild animals) were 2 feet from our car!! SO fun.

July was Inependance day and fireworks. August my birthday and September I rocked out at a Brad Paisely concert!

October was an absolutely crazy month!!! Danielle came to visit me and we hit the New Belgium Brewery, and the Stanley Hotel!! We spent a day up in beautiful Estes Park!! And of course just like Colorado had some snow (yes in October). I also took a weekend vacation to Steamboat Springs and Aspen with Rachel! We experienced the ultimate small town and enjoyed the Hot Springs. I also got to see the Maroon Bells for the first time ever – gorgeous mountain views!!

In work news I have been answering phones for Supreme Auto Transport. I work in the dispatcher department, sending 10 car haulers all over the country. I spend 8 hrs a day chatting it up on the phone. So fun!! I work with the high schoolers throughout the week at my church, as well as volunteering there on the weekends. I am in the middle of getting a degree in Networking Administration. So here I am in the middle of this thing we call life!!

I would love to hear from you - best way is Facebook (my favorite obsession) or email 2b.barefootin@gmail.com!!

Love you <3

His child, freedom

Picasa

So love that I just created this as a year in review!!! Hopefully it will look good as a 4 x 6 it's going out soon :)