Finding Me: A Beginning...

It is a really scary thing to look in the mirror and not know who you are. And I figure if I am going to be making new friends I should find out who I am cause then maybe I will know who I want to hang out with. So I thought I would start with what I know.

Likes:

• I like to exercise and eat healthy. It is true I like unhealthy food too but I prefer to put most of my money into healthy food. My hope is that eating healthy will help me to exercise even more. I would some day like to hike a 14ner just one - at this time I don't see it becoming a habit. My hope in exercising is to get rid of the physical pains that I have been dealing with for the past 7 or 8 years.
• I like watching football. This is a new thing but I am really enjoying it - and I like being able to talk about it somewhat intellectually (not quite there yet but working on it!!) And it's pretty funny but I like going to the bars (well BWW) and watching where people actually care what is going on. This interferes somewhat with the eating healthy part but ya know!!
• I like learning. This currently is taking form in going to school. And getting into a field where I have to constantly learn - Computers. So that is kinda cool. I don't think I will ever become a full computer nerd but a budding one is ok.
• I like looking good. I think it comes from a lifetime of feeling like I couldn't look pretty. I never felt ugly per se - but I never really felt pretty. And now - I do. I like my body although it still needs some work and I really like how my face looks not as fat. So I spend time and money on looking good. So I kind of even like shopping - not full day shopping and only when I have money but I like it.
• I like being around people. It can be serious discussion or just hanging out and having fun, but I like being around people. And this is where I am getting in trouble these days and I need lots of work, and why I need to find me. I don't want to get lost in people I want to be me (whoever that really is) when I am with people.

Don't likes:

• I don't like being alone. but I think God has me there for a reason. and so I need to be alone.
• I don't like living with my grandmother, but as I can't afford to live on my own I don't really have a choice.
• I don't like being in debt - but I am working on that and it is going well I think.
• I don't like being dependent - which sorta conflicts not being alone. and liking people and all sorts of crazy things that are happening in my life that I can't control or even figure out.

Well so far that is all I have. And I know your first thought is that I didn't mention God and that is because the way I see it is God is mixed up in all of this. I don't need to mention him separate because it is all him. He made me and he knows who I really am and he is trying to get me to see who I am which is killing me and I hate it. I hate crying myself to sleep at night and wake up just to cry in the morning. And I know how to avoid it but am starting to think that I shouldn't be avoiding it but the facing it and going through it is incredibly hard and confusing so sometimes I avoid it.