WARNING: Pure Raw Emotion Ahead

All I have to say is WTF!!! No really God what is the problem with letting me have a little fucking hope??? Why the HELL do I have to always been taken down and left with nothing. I have begged and pleaded for years and it has gotten me nowhere. I can't do this anymore - which pretty much means you will probably take more crap away and I will be brought further down!! I hate you I hate you I hate you!!! Why can't I have just a little bit of happiness????How the hell am I supposed to make it through this!?!?!?!?! What the fuck are you trying to teach me cause I don't get it I can't understand. How much more hell does my heart need to go through???? What more are you going to take from me??? I feel like everything I have learned about you is opposite from what I am going through. The bible says we are made for community yet every time I try you rip it from me. Every time I make good healthy friendships you remove them from my life. Do you want me to be alone forever am I supposed to have NO ONE in my life - what more do you want from me? what more can I sacrifice for you, The thing I hate most of all is I can't deny that you are real and true - which means I am stuck in this hell!! I know that turning away from you would only mean more pain and heartache but I feel like staying with you will continue me down this road of heartache!!! Where is that fucking abundant life and how the hell do I get to it?? 3 fucking months of this hell - what the fuck is my next step is everything I have been working towards wrong I don't know what else to do - I don't know where else to turn I can't with draw from anything else. I feel like for every good thing that happens I have to suffer at least one bad thing. I can't be happy very long because then I have to pay by some other price. Fucking 2 hours ago I was happy why do you have to continue taking from me. What more do you want and is there something I can possibly give up that will save me from more heartache?? Is there some confessed sin in my life that I am not turning over to you. Is there some step that that I am taking away from you - is there a way that I am turning way from you??? Please God speak to me and help me get what the fuck you are trying to tell me - God please let me know I am lost and fucking alone and I hurt and I am tired and I don't get how I can keep making these "good" steps that just turn into more heartache. I hate you God I hate what you have turned my life into - and I am sure that somehow this is all fucking my fault and there is something that I can do to get back on the right track but I can't see what the fuck it is and how the hell to get there!!! What the fuck!! If you could please just answer me something bring me some kind of fucking comfort - let me feel your presence. I need to KNOW that you are real. I am fucking testing you and calling you out NOW lord!!! What the hell am I doing here and how the fuck to I get out of here!!!